


no matter the distance

by eavis, foundfamilyvevo



Series: straight for your heart (wolfpack au) [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, references to past abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 18:52:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9198446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eavis/pseuds/eavis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/foundfamilyvevo/pseuds/foundfamilyvevo
Summary: sometimes lack of positive attention equals negative reactions. louis and niall early on in their relationship.because husky and i were talking about how sometimes people with abuse in their past struggle to interpret even innocuous suggestions or one-time requests.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is set before any of the other posted fics in this series. niall's past alphas were physically and verbally abusive and he was left behind in france when they changed territories. he and louis met at the cafe where louis was working and formed their own pack. they haven't met up with zayn harry or liam, yet.

“Would you rather have the telly off while you’re trying to work?” Niall asks, glancing up as Louis settles beside him with his stack of applications. 

Louis shrugs a little. “Nah, whatever’s fine. Not like golf’s that loud anyway.”

“Right, okay,” Niall says. He hesitates a minute. “Could - mute it, though. Like you said, not much really happening with golf.”

“Yeah, just whatever,” Louis says, attention back on his application.

Niall bites his lip. He gives it another couple minutes, then stands up, turning the program off. “Gonna get a head start on dinner, I think.”  
Louis hums in response, scowling at his page.

Dinner’s quieter than usual, Niall keeping his head down and eyes on his plate and Louis still upset over one of the applications, and Niall makes quick work of the dishes, stacking them neatly by the sink to dry. He reaches for a kitchen towel, and then stops, glancing at Louis and then biting his lip. He turns instead and busies himself wiping down the counters and table before pausing again, fingers tucking themselves into his mouth. 

Louis glances up. “Something wrong, love?” He frowns at Niall’s fingers in his mouth, getting up. “Niall? Y’okay, babe?”

“Yeah, I’m - fine, it’s fine, obviously, not a big deal, I’ll just - sorry.”

Louis’ frown gets deeper and he reaches - slowly, so slowly - to tug Niall’s fingers out of his mouth. Niall lets him, but his fingers are shaking in Louis’ hand. “Niall,” Louis says, properly worried now. “Niall, what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, ‘s fine, I know you like it better this way, so it’s really - it’s nothing, it’s fine, obviously however you want it -”

“However I want what? What are we talking about here, Nialler?” Louis changes his grip on Niall’s hand, cupping his poor raw fingertips in his own knobbly ones and moving his thumb back and forth just slightly on the knuckles.

“The dishes, I know you like them to air dry, which is fine! It’s fine, I’m just being weird about it.” Niall laughs, high and awkward and not his real laugh at all.

“The - dishes? Nialler, love, I don’t care a bit about the dishes or how they’re dried, did I - what did I say that made you think that?”

"Last time I - dried the dishes, you said not to bother, I just - thought you wanted it this way."

Louis frowns. "Oh. Just meant for that night, Ni, you were so tired, and we didn't need any of 'em right then. Figured we could let 'em dry on their own. Doesn't mean that you, like, can't do it, if you want to. If it’s botherin’ you, like."

Niall’s shoulders stiffen, and he pulls away, the movement so casual that even Louis doesn’t notice he’s gotten three steps away already. "Oh. sorry, I'll - I'll go do that."

"Just before you do that," says Louis slowly, waiting for Niall to stop and come back before he continues.

Niall does, but it's clearly reluctant, and he's doing that thing where he's drawn into himself, sort of hunched and like he's ready to flinch away at any second.

"Is everything...is everything okay?" asks Louis. "Just - you've been a bit strange, the past couple days."

"Didn't mean to be," Niall mutters.

"Oh - no, Nialler, I know that." Louis sighs a little.

Niall edges away a step. "Did you need anything else? Just - the dishes." He shifts from foot to foot, looking about two seconds from biting down on his already raw fingers.

Louis watches him for a moment, chest feeling a bit hollow, but he shrugs. "No, that's fine. Go ahead."

Niall hesitates. "It can wait," he says, clearing his throat, hands fluttering a little. "Sorry, I didn't mean to - it's not important, it can wait."

Louis blinks. "What? No, Niall - I know it's bothering you, leaving it there undone. I just said it was fine, what’s going on?"

“It can wait," Niall insists, body lines going tense and defensive. He moves past Louis, careful not to touch; and sits down on the edge of the couch.

Louis wants to sigh or huff, but he breathes through that urge and instead walks over and plonks himself gently down cross-legged in front of Niall, so he's looking up at him. "What's going on in your head, petal?" he asks Niall as softly as he can.

"'m fine," Niall says, stubborn. "Nothin' wrong, you just wanted to talk to me, and I shouldn't've tried to leave."

"...you know you can leave, though," says Louis, slowly. "Like, if you want to. Especially if you need to. Nothing bad is going to happen if you tell me you don't want to talk right now."

Niall nods, but it’s jerky and he doesn't really look up properly.

"Can I touch you, my love?" Louis asks, quiet.

Niall hesitates. Expressions flit across his face too fast for Louis to read, but he nods, finally. 

Louis rests a hand on Niall's cheek, not quite sure if this is actually okay or not. “I'm worried about you. I feel like we've taken a couple steps back, yeah? And that's fine, sometimes that's going to happen -" He's been reading some of Judith Herman’s book, and there was definitely a section on this sort of thing. "- but I just wanted to know if something has caused it."

Niall is holding himself very still, breathing gone a bit rapid. "Just. Confused. I guess."

Louis rubs across Niall's cheekbone with his thumb. "Yeah? What's confusing you?"

Niall pulls away fractionally, shrugs like that's the reason why he pulled back. "Just. Can't tell if you're mad or not, when I'm - when I've done things wrong. Not - not used to that, I guess? Used to be easy to tell when I’d done sommat wrong.”

Louis notices Niall pulling back and takes his hand away, the hollowness in his chest growing. "Right. Do you think I would tell you, clearly, if I was angry with you? Or let it simmer until I acted on it?" He keeps his tone as gentle as he can.  
"I - yes?" Niall looks uncertain.

"For the record," Louis says, softly, "I'm just gonna - put a sticky note on the fact that you told me I could touch you when you didn't want me to. We'll come back to that, okay?" He continues, "I'm not quite sure what you mean by yes?"

Niall does flinch at that, bites down hard on his lip, but he nods. 

"Niall, babe. I'm not - I'm not going to hurt you, okay? I'm not angry with you at all. I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious."

"Sorry," Niall breathes, "I - I know that, I'm sorry, I -" He takes a deep breath, then another. "I know you won't hurt me."

"Is there some way I can help you feel it as well as know it?" Louis asks, because - there’s a difference. Between knowing something and feeling it.

Niall shrugs, looking a little lost. "'m sorry," he whispers again, drags his hands through his hair and grips it tight. "Sorry, I - I'm just all mixed up. I thought - I was all wrong about the dishes."

"That's okay," says Louis, quiet and firm. "It's okay. I promise. Would you like to ask me anything about it that's confusing you, so we can sort it out properly?"

"I just - you said it was just - for the one night?"

"Mhm," says Louis, nodding. "If you'd like, I can clarify that in the future. I can understand why it might have sounded like a general statement."

Niall drags in a breath, manages a nod. "Um. And. You - when you said I could go do the dishes, I just - I wasn't sure. You looked kind of - I thought maybe you weren't happy. Thought - maybe it was me. Was properly thick about the dishes thing, so. Um. Makes sense."

"I wasn't angry or upset," Louis says, "I was just thinking." Mulls this over. "Is this like the other day when we went to the shop? And you asked me if we could get another tin of beans, and 'cause I had to think about it, you thought I was mad?"  
Niall ducks his head, mumbles something inaudible.

"Sorry, sweetheart, couldn't quite hear that."

Niall looks up long enough to say, "I - yeah."

"Does it feel -" Louis says, slow. "Niall - does it feel sometimes like me being quiet is. A calm before the storm, of sorts?"

"Sometimes," Niall says, still very quiet.

"Okay," says Louis. "That's fine. Yeah? It's just your brain trying to keep you safe."

"Guess so." Niall kind of looks like he wishes the sofa would swallow him up.

"Can I help you right now? D'you need - space or some vocal comfort or -?"

"Can I -" Niall says in a very small voice, "Can I - go finish the dishes?"

The raw, hollow place in Louis’ chest stabs at him. "Yeah, babe," he murmurs. "Of course you can. Go right ahead."

Niall nods, awkward, sort of edges out sideways around Louis to get to the kitchen. 

Louis sits down on the couch, turns the telly back on because he knows sometimes the silence is - not good, for Niall.

But Niall’s shoulders are a little easier when he comes back, and he sits down closer to Louis than he had before. "'m finished."

"Hey, feel better?" asks Louis, offering him a small smile.

"Yeah, do." Niall admits, smiling back.

"'I’m glad," Louis says, putting as much honesty and warmth into it as he can.

"'m sorry about earlier," Niall says. "Don't know what - was just. All mixed up, I guess."

"All good, my love," Louis soothes. "We'll talk more about it, yeah? Just good to see you calmer, right now."

"Kay." Niall reaches for the blanket folded neatly over the back of the sofa, tugs it over himself.

Louis doesn't reach out for him, to try to touch him, or anything. He wants to, but he’s remembering Niall steeling himself earlier for Louis’ touch and just smiles at him again. There’ll be time for that tomorrow.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

 

He’s not got anything to do that day except turn in his applications, so he waits until after breakfast to ask Niall if they can chat for a bit. Niall nods readily enough, following Louis back into the living room.  
"I never want to touch you when you don't want to be touched," is what Louis ends up saying, serious.

Niall looks a little startled for a second, but he says, "I know that."

"But you said yes to me last night, when you wanted to say no."

"I - I didn't - it was fine, I don't -"

Louis doesn't interrupt, but he knows his expression is projecting something along the lines of ‘that’s a crock of shit, mate.’

"I said you could," Niall settles on, weak. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Why did you tell me I could when you didn't want me to?" asks Louis. This is - if Niall won’t be honest with him, Louis’ll end up fucking this up so much more than he already is.

"I just - you wanted to, and I thought - I was being so much trouble with everything, I - it was fine, I thought." Niall’s hunched in on himself, one hand creeping up to his mouth.

"And then I touched you and it wasn't fine, and you didn't tell me to stop."

"It - it was, it wasn't triggering anything, I promise!"

"Were you uncomfortable at all?" Louis asks, hating himself for pushing when Niall’s so clearly unhappy, but needing to make sure Niall knows he can tell him to bugger off if he wants.

Niall looks down at his lap, mumbles around the fingers in his mouth, "I guess."

"Then that's enough. I shouldn't have done it."

"I told you it was okay," Niall manages, "- was my fault."  
"It wasn't anyone's fault, Ni," soothes Louis. "It's just - something that happened. Something I want to avoid if we can help it."

"Okay," Niall says, choked. He tugs the blanket up higher. "I'll - yeah. I'll do better."

"Niall, babe, it's not that," says Louis and stops, because he’s making Niall cry, because obviously he is, because he’s a shit alpha. 

Niall shakes his head minutely, turning so Louis can’t see the way his chin is trembling, like Louis can’t smell the tears.  
“Louis, you stupid idiot,” Louis mutters viciously, then so gently, “Niall, I’m sorry, I’m - doing it all wrong, I didn’t mean to make you upset.

"'s not your fault," Niall says, trying to firm his voice.

"Not yours either," Louis says, firm. “Not one bit your fault.”

"'s my fucked up brain," Niall points out, the words wobbling a little.

Louis doesn’t know if he’s more furious with himself or with Niall’s past shit-for-brains alphas. "We know whose fault those things are," he says softly, intently. "Not yours. I love you, Niall, love you so fucking much."

"I love you too, I'm - I'm sorry, about all this."  
"Got nothing you have to be sorry about, promise,” Louis says, firm. “Do you need to have a cry? 'Cause that’s fine, perfectly alright.”

"Might - might do." Niall says, hunched over, chewing on his lip.

"That's fine. 'm right here if you need anything. Could turn on the telly, if that’s better?"

"Please?"

Louis nods, flips through channels until he finds a gardening show where he knows there won't be any sudden yelling or gunshots or anything like that. Tries not to listen to Niall cry in nearly silent gasping sobs. He wants so desperately to cuddle Niall tight like he would with one of his sisters or even with Zayn when they were pups. He pushes back the usual stab of bitterness that comes whenever he thinks of Zayn, pretends to focus on whatever rubbish this woman’s talking about her prize-winning roses, like they’re anything compared to his nan’s.

The program’s nearly over when Niall edges back around, faces Louis. Smiles at him, head tilted against the sofa

Louis turns to look at him too, smiling back. "Hi, love. Feel better?”  
“Yeah, just. Bit drained, I guess, but - in a good way? If that makes sense.”  
Louis nods. “Yeah, definitely. Always better out than in, me mum used to say.” He hesitates. "Hey, Nialler, would it - help you if I was more - if I gave you more clearly positive responses? To things, to make sure it's obvious when I'm fine with them."

"I -" Niall stops, looks like he’s actually thinking about it. "I mean. Probably? But also, I - it makes me feel like - like I'm a kid or something, needing you to - be all overly cheerful 'n stuff, so I don't get mixed up."

"Niallator, think I'm the last person to judge anyone for being childish," says Louis, trying for a joke before he adds, more serious, "but I also think - there's a lot of stuff that we let kids have that we don't give to each other as we get older. And maybe - maybe we should, a bit, y'know? And I don't have to be overly cheerful, I can just - use stronger words, maybe. Say things that are more definite."

Niall takes a deep breath, nods, hands creeping towards his mouth. "It - would help. Probably."

"Okay. I'm totally happy to do that," says Louis. "Really, that's completely fine with me. Love you."

"Kay. Um. love you too." Niall swallows hard. “Reckon, um. Reckon a hug’s okay.”

“Yeah?” Louis eyes him, sniffing a bit to get a read on if it’s actually fine or not, but Niall just smells tired and a little sad, so he moves a bit closer; waits for Niall to actually close the distance.

Niall just rolls his eyes, though, leaning in and pressing his nose into the crook of Louis’ neck, where his scent is the strongest. “Really okay, I promise. Thanks, Tommo.”

Louis closes his eyes, turning his head enough to scent Niall back. “Anytime, lovely. Promise.”


End file.
